The great yoghurt scam of 2006

Supermarkets can often hold the keys to moments of happiness, something not many people realise. In fact too often they become synonymous with boring after-work tedium and Jamie Oliver adverts. As a self confessed Lifestyle Guru I have taken it upon myself to help you, the general public in your daily pursuit of happiness, by alerting you to the subtle attacks placed upon your happiness by society every single day.

Many things within a supermarket can bring happiness, such as a variety of colourful fruits, freshly baked bread, the latest series of the O.C on DVD or even a special offer that saves you money.

But what if this was a scam?

Whilst perusing the shelves of my local supermarket just yesterday I came across a great bargain, 3 yoghurts for £1.20. My face lit up – this had caused me happiness. As a guru of such a subject I recognised this sign and made a mental note of the time.

However, being the expert that I am I inspected the deal closely, and found to my horror that the yoghurt were only 38p each. Which, thanks to my quick maths skills (and the calculator function of my new mobile phone), I discovered worked out as 6p cheaper than the supposed deal. Furious I went to find the manager.

Now you may wonder why such a small matter should concern me, or ever you, but dear readers this is why I am such a specialist. As I mention in my soon-to-be bestselling book ‘How to stuff your happiness starved face with joy cakes’, whilst other ‘lifestyle gurus’ focus on the larger complex web of life and the pursuit of inner peace, I know that it is really these little incidents that make the difference. How can we be happy whilst corporations constantly trick and deceive us? Nobody likes feeling like a fool and that’s why I am writing this, to spread awareness, and therefore happiness, to the world. Contrary to popular belief ignorance is not bliss, it is the cold unfurnished basement that sits below the luxury apartment of knowledge.

So after speaking to the manager I was told that there were no plans to change the offer and that I was so smart I should just buy 3 yoghurts individually. I laughed in his face of course and informed him that his deceit will not bring him happiness in this life or the next.

Sometimes, in order to prove a point one must go to extreme lengths, I normally do not condone vandalism, but when the public’s happiness is at stake it is something I can live with. After I had picked myself up from the parking lot where the security guards had unceremoniously dumped me I came up with my plan. Initially I was to write a message in the car park using a tin of the supermarkets own brand raspberry jam, but there was not enough in the jar for the phrase ‘don’t buy the yoghurts, the deal is a happiness stealer’ and after my first two words were promptly parked over by a very inconsiderate Ford Mondeo I reconsidered.

Grabbing a trolley I proceeded to smash apart the kids postman pat van that sits outside the entrance to the shop. Repeatedly ramming it I soon left it and the trolley on the floor, a tangled mesh of twisted metal and flashing lights. I stood back proud that I had made my stand, and that, although nor directly relating to the yoghurts, maybe my message would get through to people.

Unfortunately it was only at this point that I noticed the child who had been inside the small red van at the time of my attack lying amongst the rubble, his body contorted unnaturally. As I look back now I think it was probably both the ambulances and the rather heavy handed arrest of myself by the police that will remain in people’s minds of that day, and not the message of happiness I had intended to spread.

- Toby