The final Chapter.... continued

As you may well remember, or not depending on your daily alcohol intake level, a few weeks ago I submitted my (frankly wonderful) book to the publishers, confident it would result in worldwide success; record braking sales and minimal, but effective, use as a doorstop in living rooms throughout the globe.

Well, such things are easy to see through the rose-tinted glasses of happiness and self-confidence and I am sorry to present to you today the letter I received today in reply. But fear not for me dear readers, adversity is the first step to success, world domination and fame, or so I'm told and so for this reason I am proud to bring you this news.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go cry for another 22 hours straight....

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Dear Mr Greenway,

I would say thank you for your submission of your manuscript entitled ‘Bite off a piece of my happiness: There’s enough to go around’ but that would imply that I gained something other than an overwhelming sense of the futility of the world from reading your piece, which I’m sorry to say is simply not true.

While we here at MD Books admire any author willing to test the waters of publication and delve into the competitive and challenging world of writing, I think that it is safe to say that on your case we make an exception. How something as incompetently written, so blatantly derivative and misguided and so completely enamoured with its authors own delusions could make its way as far as the page beggars belief, but the fact that I had to sit through all 386 pages of it out of morbid curiosity and a sense of self-masochism, is the icing on this particularly unhealthy cake.

You call yourself a self-help guru and, arguably, believe in the methods you so regularly regurgitate onto the page, well my advice to you Mr Greenway is to help us all by throwing your limp and useless self from the nearest tall building or cliff and then allow anyone who has had the misfortune of coming into contact with you or your ideas have the pleasure of stamping on your corpse until they feel a sense of justice has been finally restored.

If and when you take this advice please do inform me and I in particular would not want to miss it.

Yours sincerely,

- Margaret Beckett