My silver heartless enemy

The tap hates me and I can't for the life of me think why. Every time I enter I can feel it's presence, I approach the sink with trepedation:

"Hello there tap." I offer, edging nearer.

"Toledo."

Somehow it's response a question and a statement. Its mood is unfathomable.

"Now I don't want any trouble today, ok?" I state reasonably reaching slowly for the sink.

"But you do want something from me"

"You're a tap, it's your purpose to supply water. I would simply like a chance to oblige you of this service.."

There is a silence, maybe this time will be alright?

"So my purpose is to supply you with water when you want it?"

I remain silent, unsure of how to answer.

"I've seen you" It continues, a menace in its voice that's new,

"The times you haven't washed. The times you ignored me. Or the times you left me on. Sometimes I think you like me, you lean in as if to kiss and drink from me, but then you turn on me..."

It does this every time. Damn tap.

"Look I just use you for water, I don't know where this is coming from"

I wish I had known that this was the wrong thing to say. There was a pause then, in a different, lighter tone it spoke again:

"It's OK Toledo, just use me this time and we'll start again. I'm sorry."

Weary but convinced I lean in and turn the top of the tap slowly. There is a soft moan and for a split second I think that it's all going to be ok, but then before I know it I'm drenched in water again.

Damn tap.


- Toledo

The manly tears of the soul

Poetry expresses the soul, and having soul is something that makes you happy, and also I'm told a good singer. So in liu of my boring weekend where I successfully blinked over 2000 times I have decided to post a poem I wrote last year that expresses my deepest heartfelt things, you know that stuff that makes you all thoughtful and reflective and makes you look awesome, especially if when you read it a tear trickles down your face and you look out of a window as if you didn't notice and it drops on the carpet

(Note: this only makes you look sexy and mysterious when in the company of girls and does not apply to an evening watching Die Hard with the guys from work. Maybe now you see why all I could do this weekend was blink.)

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My crippled stomach has flipped for you by Toby Greenway (07/10/05)

Flat and undisturbed you sit and deny me.
My urges leap and pull and I fight them with sorrow from inside,
but your sizzle and spark are united in flame and you ignite,
overhead errupts and drowns me,

I see the lightness leave your eyes and my tears mingle with the downpour,
It ends as it began and as I scrape you from the pan,
I cannot look or bare the thought,
Of another wasted omlette.


- Toby

The melting of honey-hearts

She sat across from me, her deep aubern locks framing her face like a glorious portrait. Her eyes lit up as she spoke, words of such beauty they entered my heart like honey on warm toast and it melted away inside of me.

The sunlight dappled across her features and I sat transfixed, speechless at her wonder. Calmly she took my hand and pressed it against her. She was warm and soft, like porridge fresh from the pan, and as she gazed into my eyes I turned away in shame and regret. Who was I to face such an angel? who was I to sit here with her face to face? I shook my head,

I was nobody.

When I wept it was unclear if it was from heartbreak or the mace, but one things for sure; she has a grip like a vice and she held on until the police arrived despite my writhing and screaming.

Now, as I sit here alone, I can't help but wonder now how things between Carly and me could have been different...

If only I had said the right things,

If I had limited myself to just 25 phone calls a day,

If I hadn't bought her two kilogram bags of flour as a present,

If I had decided to wear clothes that day....


- Toledo

The shattering of dreams and skulls

Have you ever been in that situation where you're tired and lonely having sat around all day doing nothing, having spent the last year being unemployed, finding your life to be worthless and irredeemable? Have you ever just found yourself sat there wondering where it all went wrong, repeatedly smashing a hammer into the skull of an already dead baby elephant?

It's not a nice experience my friends and it's one I shall try my hardest to avoid in the future.

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You see we all have dreams and ambitions and ever since losing my job and 'the incident' that led to such an occurance I've spent a long time reliving my childhood dreams. Friends told me to make the most of my freedom and to pursue my ambitions. Well you can blame them for the formentioned elephant carniage.

Holding a zoo hostage should be one of the most enjoyable things a person can do. Imagine all the possibilities; you can play with the animals, swim with the fishes and finally put an end to all those 'who would win in a fight' scenarios involviong meerkats and hippos or sharks and lions (admittedly I didn't think that last one through enough).

Well in reality it didn't quite live up to the image of my childhood fantasy. For a start the zoo was so full of people! I tried to warn them that the zoo was being held hostage by myself and that they should probably leave, but few listened and even fewer did anything except hit me. Things only got worse when I headed for the central offices and requested, politely, that the staff all leave as I was taking the zoo hostage. Now I don't know whether I am simply naive or misinformed but I had no idea they were allowed to carry guns, admittedly stun guns, but still those babies can hurt. It was during my escape that I fell into the elephant enclosure via a tool shed and well, I can barely bring myself to repeat again the misfortunes of that afternoon, but suffice to say that the words 'lifetime ban' have once again been placed against my name and, for once, I believe they are entirely justified.

So go chase your dreams if you want dear readers, but don't blame me if you find yourself once again in intensive care having ended up on the wrong end of a stamping from two very angry elephant parents.

- Mr Winston

Inspirational Tales

One of the key ingredients to personal happiness comes from the admiration of others, and the ambition this spawns in ourselves to improve. Like when I saw Mr Winston eat an entire loaf of bread during the Eastenders omnibus and I repeated the feat later the same evening. Of course they were showing the Evil Dead that night on BBC 2 and, strangely, I swear when we were cleaning up the mess we found five end pieces.

Anyway my point is that by reading about heroic acts, and how famous people we pretend to have heard of have overcome problems such as alcohol, divorce and murder it makes us smile knowingly and feel empowered to change our lives. As a self-help guru I feel it is my duty this very day to give you such a tale that will shake you to your core, stir up tears in your rarely-used and dusty tear ducts and just darn pack your heart so full of resolve that it will beat in your chest like a jackhammer. The story comes from my own soon-to-be released autobiography ‘Roll in my happiness and smell of it all day’ which is due for publication at the end of the year.

If this doesn’t make you happy and proud to continue living your life to the full every moment you draw breath then I really don’t know what will. Maybe you could try reading it again…?

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The Beast and Me

Its raspy breath could be heard from across the street. The jostling of passers by disguised it but I felt it in my very bones. Its eyes were on me, its spine tense and rigid. I walked normally, casually even, given the task at hand. My palms started to sweat but I kept my focus and clenched my fists harder.

Suddenly I saw it. From across the road its gleaming markings stood out a mile. I froze and took in the situation. People continued to cross in front of me, passing by unaware of the danger. Inside I wanted to scream and warn them, but I knew they would never escape in time. Composing myself I continued walking, but then changed direction stealthily. I kept my eyes focused ahead and prayed inside that it had not seen my ploy, a quick glance back relieved my worry. It was still frozen there, eyes forward, alert.

I was now behind it and, as there was a lull in the commuters that surrounded us, I leapt onto it. Struggling against my weight it slipped and started to fall, I knew how dangerous this could be and steadied its weight against mine, pinning it against the metal railing where it was fixed. Making sure it was at arms length I proceeded to wildly seek the chain that was looped around its neck. I grabbed it, fighting with all my might against its metallic jaws. Quickly I entered the code then yanked apart the chain.

It was free.

Finally calmed from the confines of its captivity the beast stood there, proud and alone. Its look seemed to offer understanding and thanks. Its body relaxed and I knew it was tamed. My clothes were torn, my hair wild and I was bleeding from several body wounds, but I had emerged victorious. Those who were walking past had stopped by now and were staring at the strange site of it and myself; I paid the crowd no attention, this was my battle and I did not want their thanks or their attention.

Turning back I calmly and heroically mounted the now tame beast, my hands grasping the handlebars, my feel slipping neatly into the peddles, and as they began to turn rhythmically I rode away into the sunset and away from that accursed high street forever.

- Toby