Have you ever been in that situation where you're tired and lonely having sat around all day doing nothing, having spent the last year being unemployed, finding your life to be worthless and irredeemable? Have you ever just found yourself sat there wondering where it all went wrong, repeatedly smashing a hammer into the skull of an already dead baby elephant?
It's not a nice experience my friends and it's one I shall try my hardest to avoid in the future.
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You see we all have dreams and ambitions and ever since losing my job and 'the incident' that led to such an occurance I've spent a long time reliving my childhood dreams. Friends told me to make the most of my freedom and to pursue my ambitions. Well you can blame them for the formentioned elephant carniage.
Holding a zoo hostage should be one of the most enjoyable things a person can do. Imagine all the possibilities; you can play with the animals, swim with the fishes and finally put an end to all those 'who would win in a fight' scenarios involviong meerkats and hippos or sharks and lions (admittedly I didn't think that last one through enough).
Well in reality it didn't quite live up to the image of my childhood fantasy. For a start the zoo was so full of people! I tried to warn them that the zoo was being held hostage by myself and that they should probably leave, but few listened and even fewer did anything except hit me. Things only got worse when I headed for the central offices and requested, politely, that the staff all leave as I was taking the zoo hostage. Now I don't know whether I am simply naive or misinformed but I had no idea they were allowed to carry guns, admittedly stun guns, but still those babies can hurt. It was during my escape that I fell into the elephant enclosure via a tool shed and well, I can barely bring myself to repeat again the misfortunes of that afternoon, but suffice to say that the words 'lifetime ban' have once again been placed against my name and, for once, I believe they are entirely justified.
So go chase your dreams if you want dear readers, but don't blame me if you find yourself once again in intensive care having ended up on the wrong end of a stamping from two very angry elephant parents.
- Mr Winston
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